1. Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
2. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
3. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
4. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
5. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
6. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
7. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
8. Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
9. Heavy smokers (err... Orchi?): Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.
10. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
11. X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
12. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
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